A gathering that celebrates the decision of two individuals to journey through life together – the essence of marriage -- creates one of the all-too-infrequent opportunities to pause in the midst of busy routines to ponder the deeper realities of life. Over against any judgment that life is essentially tragic, futile, or mundane – two individuals consecrate both their individuality and their life together. Faded pictures, quiet reminders, humorous stories, private thoughts -- all such priceless reflections on swiftly-flown days are safely tucked away as the celebrated individuals mark the completion of their separate narratives -- with many dreams fulfilled, some unfulfilled -- and the beginning of their shared narrative.
The French have a beautiful word -- L'Abri -- that means ‘shelter’. Family and friends pitch a welcoming L'Abri, a sturdy shelter, a loving canopy over the celebrated individuals as they merge themselves in marriage.
Two individuals vow before family and friends to share the return of their work, to pick each other up, to keep each other warm. But why trust each other? Their mutual trust is anchored by their shared resolve to remain centered by respect, empathy, fairness when they are weary and worn as well as when they are exuberant and overflowing.
Three terms from antiquity give texture to the ‘love’ so essential to this way of being together -- i.e., eros or sensuality, phileo or friendship, and agape or steadfast devotion.
To love is to be sensual – to have keen eyes, alert ears, refined tastes, a gentle touch. Ideally, two individuals committed to each other in marriage have grown up with dance, merriment, song, feasts, wine . . . delight in creativity . . . appreciate the subtleties of color and composition . . . are refreshed by art and music . . . see nature’s allegories as they sit, walk, run, ride. Jewish poets produced a timeless poem of romance -- The Song of Solomon -- that speaks of being ‘faint with love’. When love between two individuals committed to each other in marriage is full and complete, their love is sensual.
To love is to aspire for exceptional friendship. Jewish storytellers produced a timeless study of what it means to be such a friend -- The Story of Job. This story’s main character is reduced by tragic suffering to being tossed aside on the ‘scrap heap’. He clings nonetheless to the idea that “a despairing person should have the devotion of a friend, even though s/he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.” Job’s closest friends fall short. His spouse falls short. Unrestrained openness and freedom make unconditional friendship a rare gift. When love between two individuals committed to each other in marriage is full and complete, their love is expressed in the special friendship envisioned in the story of Job.
To love is to remain true to the steadfastness that has been promised. Jewish prophets found in marriage a profound metaphor for imagining the unwavering faithfulness of ‘God’ to Israel, even when Israel wounded her spouse by straying or being distracted from steadfast devotion. When love between two individuals committed to each other in marriage is full and complete, their disposition toward each other is authentic, not calculated; self-sacrificing, not self-serving; respectful, not biased; longsuffering, not erratic.
And so -- sensuality; friendship; steadfast devotion. What do these reflections mean for me? I am resolved to remain open to these near mystical experiences; to keep them etched in my memories. Doing so is not easy. Sustaining the vigor in a way of being together that enlarges rather than exploits, that frees rather than controls, that hopes rather than despairs is an uncommon achievement. The social spheres in which I live and work routinely promote a very different way of being together – e.g., the way of competition, self-assertion, pretense, manipulation, suspicion, secrecy. Two individuals committed to each other in marriage must instead be resolved to cherish one another in mutual esteem, to bear with each other’s infirmities, to comfort each other in sickness and accident, to encourage one another to live as an heir of grace. For me --
The French have a beautiful word -- L'Abri -- that means ‘shelter’. Family and friends pitch a welcoming L'Abri, a sturdy shelter, a loving canopy over the celebrated individuals as they merge themselves in marriage.
Two individuals vow before family and friends to share the return of their work, to pick each other up, to keep each other warm. But why trust each other? Their mutual trust is anchored by their shared resolve to remain centered by respect, empathy, fairness when they are weary and worn as well as when they are exuberant and overflowing.
Three terms from antiquity give texture to the ‘love’ so essential to this way of being together -- i.e., eros or sensuality, phileo or friendship, and agape or steadfast devotion.
To love is to be sensual – to have keen eyes, alert ears, refined tastes, a gentle touch. Ideally, two individuals committed to each other in marriage have grown up with dance, merriment, song, feasts, wine . . . delight in creativity . . . appreciate the subtleties of color and composition . . . are refreshed by art and music . . . see nature’s allegories as they sit, walk, run, ride. Jewish poets produced a timeless poem of romance -- The Song of Solomon -- that speaks of being ‘faint with love’. When love between two individuals committed to each other in marriage is full and complete, their love is sensual.
To love is to aspire for exceptional friendship. Jewish storytellers produced a timeless study of what it means to be such a friend -- The Story of Job. This story’s main character is reduced by tragic suffering to being tossed aside on the ‘scrap heap’. He clings nonetheless to the idea that “a despairing person should have the devotion of a friend, even though s/he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.” Job’s closest friends fall short. His spouse falls short. Unrestrained openness and freedom make unconditional friendship a rare gift. When love between two individuals committed to each other in marriage is full and complete, their love is expressed in the special friendship envisioned in the story of Job.
To love is to remain true to the steadfastness that has been promised. Jewish prophets found in marriage a profound metaphor for imagining the unwavering faithfulness of ‘God’ to Israel, even when Israel wounded her spouse by straying or being distracted from steadfast devotion. When love between two individuals committed to each other in marriage is full and complete, their disposition toward each other is authentic, not calculated; self-sacrificing, not self-serving; respectful, not biased; longsuffering, not erratic.
And so -- sensuality; friendship; steadfast devotion. What do these reflections mean for me? I am resolved to remain open to these near mystical experiences; to keep them etched in my memories. Doing so is not easy. Sustaining the vigor in a way of being together that enlarges rather than exploits, that frees rather than controls, that hopes rather than despairs is an uncommon achievement. The social spheres in which I live and work routinely promote a very different way of being together – e.g., the way of competition, self-assertion, pretense, manipulation, suspicion, secrecy. Two individuals committed to each other in marriage must instead be resolved to cherish one another in mutual esteem, to bear with each other’s infirmities, to comfort each other in sickness and accident, to encourage one another to live as an heir of grace. For me --
- When my peers live tangled in self-interests, may I demonstrate the self-transcending ideals of peace, mercy, and justice.
- When my peers hold strangers and strange ideas in contempt, may my home be hospitable to a rich diversity of persons and ideas.
- When my peers languish with no holy places, may my home ever be a sanctuary.
- When my peers aimlessly and recklessly yield to their impulses and passions, may I remain loyal to the ideas that I in calm moments have discerned to be true and ennobling.
- When my peers invest their lives in shortsighted aspirations, may I remain wedded to the intention to treat as most important each day what will still seem important on my last day.
Marriage can/should be a sacrament, indeed a conveyor of grace, for two individuals sharing life together and for their acquaintances who are searching for insight into how to live life well.