[December 2001 journal entry]
While driving my first wife’s mother home, we shared various reflections on our experiences with her daughter during her illness and death (d. 1987). At one point, she asked, “Doug, are you happy now?” I offered her a variation on a four-point spectrum with one edge being ‘the beautiful in life = the sum of reality’ (with the reality of human suffering eclipsed and avoided) and the other edge being ‘the ugly/tragic in life = the sum of reality’ (with the reality of the beautiful in life eclipsed and doubted). I explained the two perspectives inside these edges on either side of the threshold dividing the spectrum. I positioned myself on the ‘ugly/tragic’ side of the threshold. I concluded, “Yes, I would say I am happy, though happiness for me will forever be muted/complicated by my consciousness of the breadth/depth of human suffering. On the other hand, perhaps it is more accurate to say I am not happy. I am able to truly enjoy beautiful experiences (e.g., meaningful conversation, a delicious dinner, fine wine, travel, music, athletic events/activities, celebrations, . . .). But I am not content or peaceful or optimistic or . . . .” Since this conversation, I have been looking back/within to see how I have understood ‘being happy’ and what priority I have placed on ‘being happy’. ‘Being happy’ has moved for me toward more mature and less self-gratification nuances. From the time I first resolved to stay truly/deeply near my first wife regardless of the consequences, I have not placed ultimate priority on being happy.